


The Truth of our Sins

by Kurai3



Category: Gintama
Genre: M/M, OOC, Original Character Death(s), Self-Harm, like seriously
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-04-19
Updated: 2016-08-13
Packaged: 2018-06-03 07:35:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 4
Words: 8,797
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6602347
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kurai3/pseuds/Kurai3
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When Gintoki starts having weird dreams about god and death it is just the beginning of the madness. With the Shinsengumi investigating a serious of murders that may just lead them to him can Gintoki prove his innocence? Or will he take the fall for crimes he may or may not have committed.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Lust

_Lust…I hunt for those who give themselves away…I search for those who sell the bodies given to them by god…There is no hope of mercy from me…I was created by god…I am his messenger…The messenger of god will bring rage to his enemies…The enemies of god will be warned by me…Lust is just the beginning…Soon all sins will disappear from this world…Then god will be free to do as he pleases._

     Crimson eyes snapped open to the sound of pounding on the door. Messy white hair sat atop a fairly round face, contrasting the darker coloring of his skin. Thin, gentle fingers pushed covers off of a thin but lean frame. The hands those fingers were attached too were covered in caresses and thin scars, the result of handling a sword so much. Thin lips open in a yawn to reveal white teeth. Slowly the male pushed himself to his feet, strutting to the front door at a leisurely pace. Once he reached it he pulled the door open to reveal a tall male stood in front of him. This man had dark green hair with blue eyes. He was wearing his usual work attire, consisting of black trousers with a white shirt and necktie. This was covered by a black vest and black jacket. All of his outer clothing had gold trimmings that matched the outfit perfectly. Currently said male was holding his katana in front of him, his eyes narrowed in anger. The white haired man grinned at his visitor, leaning in the doorway and raising an eyebrow at the other.

“What can I do for you, Mr Demon Vice-Chief?” He asked, using a sultry tone to piss the other man off even more.

“Someone was murdered near here last night. I’m investigating,” the vice-chief replied, his tone frustrated.

“And of course your first thought is to come to me…I’m insulted Toshi. We have this discussion every time…I’m not a murderer.”

“We found traces of your DNA on the victim Yorozuya,” at that comment Gintoki fell silent, his usual playful grin falling from his face. He didn’t know how that could be possible, he had been asleep all night.

“Well…you must be mistaken. I’ve been here all day,” he replied, recovering from his shock quickly. As he spoke the words though he remembered the strange dream he had had during the night. It was part of the reason why he had woken up in the first place.

     He had heard a voice, strangely similar to his own, that had been speaking of lust and murder. The images that had flashed through his mind had been blurred, almost cracked like a mirror, and had shown a young woman. He, himself, had thought the girl was pretty, but the voice he had heard had seemed to want her dead. Now that he thought about it…it couldn’t be. Looking up at the vice chief once more, not realizing until that moment he had even looked away, he grabbed the other man’s shoulders and looked into his stern eyes desperately. “Show me the victim…please,” his voice came out pleading, he would have hated that fact any other time, but he didn’t care right now. He needed to solve this…if that meant he had to beg and plead with the other man then he had no problem with that. Hijikata looked taken aback at the other man’s sudden change in demeanor but he did not comment on it, instead choosing to pay close attention to the white haired man’s words. Why would the Yorozuya want to see the victim if he had nothing to do with this case, as he had insisted only minutes before.

“Why the sudden interest, sweet freak,” he adds the insult in there to ease the tension.

     While he knows all evidence points to Gintoki being the killer he finds it hard to believe…no…he doesn’t want to believe it and that rattles him more than he likes to admit. But he also doesn’t want to startle the other man too much, it would do no good to scare their main suspect away after all.

“It’s just…I just…please, I’m begging you…I need to see…I need to know,” Yorozuya’s words are stuttered with pure fear and that is the most terrifying thing Hijikata had heard come out of the other man’s mouth. Considering some of the jokes the other man usually came up with, that fact was saying something.

     Seeing the man in this state put his protective mode into overdrive, his head whirling with ideas on what could be scaring HIS Shiroyashi. Whatever, or whoever, it was they were going to pay. Hijikata didn’t know if Gintoki liked him, hell, didn’t even know if the other man was gay, but Hijikata liked the other man regardless. Currently it was still only the like stage, not love, at least not yet. He had a feeling it would progress though, unlike his other stages. There had been a stage with Kondo, Sougo too, but they had been nothing more than slight crushes. What he felt for Gintoki was different, he knew that much at least. Without another word Hijikata gently took the white haired male’s hands in his own, removing them from his shoulders slowly.

“Fine, but you better be damn grateful for this. I am breaking a shit ton of rules for you right now,” the comment is offhanded, as though he breaks rules for this man every day.

     In a way, Hijikata thinks to himself, he supposes he does. He had protected Gintoki from the law more times than he dared to count and now the other man was on first name basis with practically EVERY Shinsengumi officer there was. The officers themselves had taken to Gintoki like wild fire, even that damn Sougo, and even Kondo didn’t mind the former criminal. Of course once his chief had found out about Hijikata’s liking of the man he had taken it upon himself to handle all matters concerning Gintoki. Whenever an issue involving the white haired man and the law arose he quickly dealt with it, telling Hijikata he was simply keeping the field open for his favourite officer. Gintoki doesn’t seem to notice the comment though, and the meaning behind it, to immersed in his own thoughts. Once they reached the crime scene the pair slipped under the tape the Shinsengumi officers had already placed, moving towards the body with obvious meaning. Gintoki took one look at the body before stepping back, falling to his knees next to Hijikata and letting out a whimper. Hijikata startled at that, before crouching by the other man and draping his jacket over him quickly. He sent glares at any officers who dared get to close, causing them to scurry off at the wrath of the demon vice-chief. Once he was sure it was safe to talk he turned to Gintoki, wrapping his arm across the others back lightly.

“What’s wrong?” His voice comes out gentle, not holding the usual gruffness, but he doesn’t mind so much. He wants to help Yorozuya, not push him further into his shell. If he sounds like an idiot, sounds like his losing his touch, well…that doesn’t bother him too much.

     At this point he doesn’t think his dignity is the last thing he’d give up for this man either. This infuriating, useless, good for nothing, damnation, perfect, fallen angel of a man. Because that is what Gintoki is to Hijikata. He is an embodiment of all Hijikata wants and yet at the same time he is everything the black haired man cannot have. He is a demon, a devil, wearing the skin of an angel to lure Hijikata in before he is left to be devoured by the darkness of the demon. Hijikata finds it angering him every time he thinks of the other man, keeping him in a permanently bad mood. He is a man Hijikata would give everything for and yet would give nothing in return. Hijikata doesn’t mind that thought so much, though. He would be glad to give everything to Gintoki…if it meant Gintoki would spare him a glance. That was also how Hijikata thought of Gintoki. He saw him as a man who hid his emotions behind a mask. Someone who would talk to you, but never truly see you. That pissed off Hijikata even more than the thought of not being able to have the man. He wants to be seen by the man beside him, even if the man doesn’t ever love him…if he can just be seen by him, truly seen, then maybe it wouldn’t hurt so much.

“She was in my dream. I saw her in my dream. Something to do with lust…and…and god. There was something to do with god too,” the man’s shaky voice breaks Hijikata out of his thought, bringing his attention back to the present.

“So what are you saying?” Hijikata asks, his eyes narrowing. Why the hell was Gintoki thinking off a woman he had probably never even seen before? Because, he just knew, Gintoki would not go to see a prostitute…if he did, well then…there would be hell to pay. Hell, of the demon vice-chief’s viscous anger, kind.

“I think I killed her…” Gintoki mutters, Hijikata losing his trail of thought at the other man’s words because, well really, who would have been expecting that reply…


	2. Sloth

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> There is another murder and Gintoki is getting more and more concerned. Plus an old friend pays a visit and he gets a few things off his chest while he can.

_Sloth…The sin of laziness that makes man fat and stupid…They sit in front of their moving screens and forget about the life they lead…their jobs become a second thought…I hunt for those who waste away on the sides of roads…I hunt for those god has deemed unworthy of his care…those who throw away the chances god has offered them…_

     This time, when Gintoki awoke from his dream, it was plastered in sweat and panting heavily. He pulled his hands down his face, scratching at his face and scalp as he could still hear the remnants of the voice in his head. After Hijikata had let him go last week, and he hadn’t had an issue since, he had hoped this thing (whatever the hell it was) had gone…but it was just beginning. He could feel it, somehow, he could feel that this had just started.

“Do you really hate me that much, author-chan?” he asked with a sigh, trying to get back into some sort of normal routine.

     That thought disappeared, however, when he saw the blood smeared over his clothes. Jumping to his feet, he peeled the clothes off, not noticing his own blood caking his fingers were he had scratched himself raw, and threw them into the back of his wardrobe. He had started breathing heavily now, his scrabbling to get away from the dirtied clothes frantic and undignified. While Gintoki could never exactly be called ‘dignified’ there was a sort of grace to his movements, even when he was lounging around doing nothing. Now he just needed to get away…he just needed to get out…and breathe.

     Taking a deep breath, he changed into another set of clothes before leaving the Yorozuya and heading down the steps onto the street below. He shoved his hands into his yukata, just like he always did, as he tried to look normal as well as finding a way to hide the blood on his nails. Even though he knew it was his own, the sight of any blood right now might set him off. While others might panic more in large groups, the sounds and sights around him helped to calm Gintoki. It allowed him a moment for himself, without having to worry about having the eyes of others on him.

“na…Danna!” A voice yelling out to him finally drew his attention, and he turned to face the approaching Souga with a smile.

“Oi, what are you doing around here brat? Shouldn’t you be working?” he replied, hiding his hands further in his yukata.

“I am, there was another murder. I was investigating when I saw you, after what happened with the last murder I wanted to make sure you were alright,” Sougo explained, and while Gintoki was touched by his thoughtfulness he couldn’t show him anything was wrong.

“Well, I’m fine. Thanks for the concern, but you should really be warning people,” he stated, with a grin.

     He already knew about the murder, he was the attacker after all, and he didn’t need to hear it from this guy. He could still hear the screams, could still see the brutal attack in his mind. But what scared him the most was that he could have attacked someone he knew, because what if it had been Hasagawa-san…? What if, next time, he went after one of the kids, or hell, what if he went after the old hag or the mayo-loving freak? That was what terrified him the most, because he couldn’t bear the thought of hurting what had, in essence, become his family.

“Are you sure you’re okay? You don’t look that great.”

“Really, I’m fine.”

“Oi, Sougo! Stop messing around and get back to work!” the voice that yelled at them from across the street had Gintoki ready to flee, his eyes scanning over the faces surrounding them until they landed on Hijikata.

“I was just checking up on danna,” Sougo whined in response, shrugging in response to Hijikata’s usual complaint.

“Who is clearly fine, so move it or you can commit Seppuku right now!” Hijikata growled, turning his eyes to Gintoki even as he spoke the familiar words to his work partner. Sougo rolled his eyes at the usual threat but moves on anyway, leaving Gintoki alone with Hijikata.

     This is exactly where Gintoki didn’t want to be right now, alone with the one man who had seen him break down only a week before, so he tries to think of any excuse to escape.

“Well, I have a parfait calling my name so I should get going,” he tries to sound normal but he knows he fails, his voice shaking as he drops his eyes to the floor and goes to move past the other man only to have his sleeve grabbed.

“Stop that!” Hijikata growls at him, turning him around quickly.

“Stop what?” Gintoki mumbled, playing with the sleeves of his yukata as a sign of his nervousness.

“Hiding things from me. You had another dream didn’t you? That’s why you’re out this morning.”

“It wasn’t just that.”

“Then what was it?”

“There was blood on my clothes when I woke up,” Gintoki whispered, his red eyes, finally looking up at Hijikata, full of terror because he had absolutely no clue what was going on with him.

     Hijikata freezes at that, getting far too used to the look of terror in the other man’s eyes than he should be. It’s only then that he realizes there is also blood on the Yorozuya’s nails and he growls as he examines them.

“And this?” He asks irritably, because he really didn’t want to have to accept that it was Gintoki killing these people.

“Ah, no, that’s…that’s mine. I…had to get the voice out of my head,” he mumbled, causing Hijikata to look at the others face properly and finally see the tiny pinprick cuts were he had scratched himself raw.

“Damn it!” He exclaimed, causing the other to flinch and look back to the floor.

“Sorry,” Gintoki stated in a whisper, biting his lip and wrapping his arms around himself once Hijikata had finally let go of his wrist.

“No, no. I’m not angry at you, Yorozuya. God, I’m not angry at you. Everything’s going to hell and I have no idea how to protect you,” he explained, wrapping Gintoki in a tight embrace as if that could stop anything from getting to the white haired man.

     Gintoki stiffened at the other man’s touch but soon relaxed into the embrace, allowing himself just a moment to relax in the face of the madness that had now become his life. Once Hijikata released him, Gintoki shoved his hands back inside his yukata and nodded his head in thanks to Hijikata.

“Listen, it’s probably going to take a while to figure this thing out but…I mean…just, if you ever need someone to talk to you can come to me…or something like that…whatever,” Hijikata managed to stutter out, unsure how to actually be nice to the natural perm head.

“Aww, so you do care after all Oogushi-kun?” Gintoki teased, his usual grin back on his face and Hijikata would never admit how truly relieved he was about that.

“Who the hell is Oogushi-kun? Shut up,” Hijikata growled, turning and marching after Sougo as Gintoki headed in the opposite direction.

     Hijikata ignored Sougo’s pointed look in Gintoki’s direction as the Yorozuya walked away, walking past the younger officer and heading for the car.

“Soo…is Danna okay?” The brat asked as he trotted after Hijikata dutifully, because no matter how much he skipped out on his duties he was a good officer who cared about the people he protected.

“He’s fine, like I said. I don’t know why you feel the need to ask,” Hijikata replied curtly, not in the mood for any mind games with everything that was going on.

“Well, you seemed pretty close with him,” Sougo commented with a shrug.

“Not really. I was just telling him that just because he’s a useless slob that doesn’t mean the Shinsengumi won’t listen to his requests and problems if he has any,” Hijikata stated, and it wasn’t exactly a lie. That had been pretty close to what he’d said, just…in a friendlier fashion.

****

     Gintoki was soon back to his normal self after his outburst, heading to his favourite dessert shop and ordering a parfait. He sat in his usual spot, a booth that allowed him a view through the window without him being seen. It allowed him a chance to calm himself whenever he had one of his attacks, less common now that it was several years after the war but still existent. It also allowed him to hide from anyone he did not want to see. Which was perfect right now, as several familiar faces wandered past the shop. Hasegawa-san was first, Gintoki slouching further in his seat as he remembered his dream and the murder that he had watched through it. Next were the kids, obviously looking for him but they didn’t know about this little hideout of his so he was glad for that. Soon Hijikata and Sougo walk past the shop, on the way back to the barracks after their investigation. Both look stressed and that makes him nervous because, clearly, they had found something they did not like.

     Unfortunately there was one person who knew this cool down area of his and he let out a loud sigh as Katsura slipped in to join him at the booth. The damn terrorist was a pain in the neck at the best of times but right now Gintoki was in no mood to deal with his idiocy.

“What are you doing here, Zura?” He questioned playfully, though there is no bite in his voice.

“It’s not Zura, it’s Katsura,” the other male replies in his usual excitable voice, not noticing Gintoki’s stress.

“Whatever, are you hear for a reason or just to piss me off?” He responded, taking another bite of his parfait (the third one he had ordered).

“I heard you’ve gotten yourself into some trouble regarding the recent murders.”

“Where did you hear that?”

“I managed to get listening devices in the Shinsengumi commander’s and vice-commander’s offices. They were discussing the murders and your name came up,” Katsura explained, causing Gintoki to look up at him quickly with a spoonful of parfait still close to his mouth.

“My name came up?”

“Yeah, the vice-commander told the gorilla that you’d been having strange dreams on the nights the murders took place. What’s going on Gintoki?”

“It’s nothing for you to worry about, things are fine.”

“Things are clearly not fine. We thought in the war together remember, I know all your stress responses. Something’s clearly freaked you out because you have blood on your fingernails and there are tiny cuts on your face and forehead. You used to scratch yourself raw all the time during the war, when the nightmares wouldn’t stop.”

“What do you want me to say exactly?”

“I want you to tell me the truth, we’re fiends after all.”

“Fine! You want the truth, fine! Even this long after the war I’m still a monster, I’m still killing people, I still can’t protect anyone, and I have no idea how to stop it. How do you stop something that’s burned so deeply into yourself that it’s part of you? But what terrifies me the most is that I could turn on someone I care about. What happens if I go after you? Or the kids? Or the Shinsengumi? This time I went after some homeless guy, it was just luck that I didn’t know him because it could have just as easily been Hasagawa-san!”

“You don’t always have to keep worrying about those around you, you know. This time I think you’ve picked a really good group of people, since most of them can look after themselves. You always talk about protecting them but how many times have they protected you as well. They are not weak or defenceless, and neither am I. If you go after any of us I can almost guarantee we will keep fighting until we get you back,” Katsura muttered, and at his words Gintoki seems to relax.

     Katsura was right, he had a good group of friends. Each one of them could hold their own and he knew, if he attacked them, they would give him all they’re worth. They wouldn’t hold back just because he was a friend, and for that he was thankful. More than anything, he would not want to be the one that hurt them, the one that slit their throats in the darkness of the night. If it was someone else who harmed them he could go after revenge, keep himself busy with thoughts of killing the ones who made him suffer, but if he was the one to destroy them there would be nothing he could do but wait for the day he gave up and his sole broke under the self-loathing and the hate.

     He had been so strong once but that had changed after the war. After he had lost so many comrades, and been the one to kill his teacher it was so much easier for him to break now. There were nights when he let the panic take him, and he would cry and shiver for hours. Other nights he would wake from nightmares that retold his worst memories, caked in sweat and reaching for a sword to cut down enemies that were no longer there. There were days when he hated the weight at his waste, hated the fact he was always prepared for a battle that might not even happen, and other days when it was the most comforting part of his routine. There were days when he went to any seedy bar he could afford to drink away his pain, and other days he would spend hours with the sword in his hand until his muscles ached and his whole body was covered in cuts and bruises.

     No one knew where he went, commenting that he was probably off gambling or getting drunk on booze and sweets, and he was happy to keep it that way. He didn’t want them to see the darkness within him, the pain and the suffering. That was something for him and those he had thought with so long ago to know of, and no one else. There were times when he was glad there was at least someone who knew of the monster caged within him, and other times when he couldn’t stand the thought that another person knew so much about him. There had been nights, when he was at his worst, that he had dreamed of killing his old war buddies. He had slashed at them until they had fallen, so no one would ever know about his monster again.

     He doesn’t realize how long he’s been silent until Katsura has leaned over the table and stared him straight in the eyes.

“Gintoki?” The other spoke his name softly, as if scared to spoke him.

“I’m fine, Zura. Just drop it. I’ll figure something out,” he replied, pushing Katsura’s face into the table as several Shinsengumi officers walked past the window. While they would not be able to see him, Katsura was another matter entirely and he did not need them raiding the shop with him inside.

“It’s not Zura, it’s Katsura!” his companion exclaimed, table still pressed to the table.

“Psht, whatever,” Gintoki stuck out his tongue, finishing off his parfait and slipping out of the booth towards the door. He could feel Katsura’s eyes on him until he had headed out of the door and he knew the other man would be regularly checking in on him to make sure he was doing okay. He didn’t know whether that was good or bad yet, but he was hoping the terrorist wouldn’t cause too much trouble when he came around. Shaking all thoughts of Katsura from his head he returned to the shop, easily slipping into his normal routine when Kagura and Shinpachi began to complain at him for simply abandoning them to go do whatever he had been doing.


	3. Envy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Gintoki is slowly losing more of himself with each dream...and each murder that follows.

Chapter 3 – Envy

     _Envy…I stalk those who hate others for having what they do not…others think they are safe behind their bars of wood and steel…yet I am here and I am hungry…with each sin I eliminate I become stronger…I know god is growing stronger with me…I search now for those who have turned their backs on god and have wasted the lives they’ve been offered by harming others…_

     It had been four days since the last murder, and when Gintoki finally flicked his eyes he barely recognised his surroundings. While he was not curled up over a dumpster or trashcan, where he was all used to waking up after a night out, neither was he in his own room. This was worrying to him as those were the only two places he usually woke up and the fact that he hadn’t, coupled with the dream he had had, suggested that something had happened to him once again. With each new death more and more facts pointed towards him being the murderer and that scared him.

     Hearing the sound of bells coming from somewhere behind him, he turned to stare at the prison that rose up and his mouth opened in shock.

“Crap, that is not good,” he muttered, getting ready to run, but before he can escape a hand grabs his arm and he is faced with the very angry expression of a prison guard.

“Who are you? What are you doing here?” The questions were bitten out at him, as if the guard was already certain of his guilt.

“Me, I’m just a passing Yorozuya. Sorry, sorry. I got drunk last night and must have passed out. I’ll leave you to do your job Miss Guard, don’t mind me,” he rambled, trying to prise his wrist out of the woman’s grip but she was stronger than she looked and she only squeezed her grip harder. Ouch, ouch, ouch…tch. My wrist, I think you’re breaking my wrist!” He exclaimed, placing his other hand on hers to try and pull it away.

“I’ll do a lot more than that if you try and get away. There was a murder of an inmate and you’re the only one we’ve caught around here, meaning you’re our only suspect,” she informed him, beginning to drag him towards the prison even as he struggled against her.

     Another hand grabbed him by the arm, bringing him and the guard to a stop.

“Sorry, but do you mind letting the Shinsengumi handle this idiot?” a familiar voice asked and Gintoki looked up to see Hijikata facing off against the guard.

“He’s on our territory, that means technically his our responsibility,” the guard replied, both of them staring each other down as they gripped Gintoki’s arms.

“I know, and I apologise for the inconvenience but he is under the Shinsengumi’s surveillance. Here’s the paperwork allowing us to take him into custody should we deem it necessary,” Hijikata replied, using his free hand to pass a piece of folded paper to the woman. The woman took a moment to read it before sighing and letting go of Gintoki’s wrist, waving the pair away as she headed back towards the prison.

     Gintoki watched her go before turning his attention to Hijikata as the other man dragged him away.

“Oi, oi, Mayora, what are you planning on doing with me? You know if you try and arrest me my kids will have something to say about it. Oi, are you listening! This is against my human rights! Oi…” Gintoki’s babbling was cut short as Hijikata pressed a sword to his throat.

“Shut up!” The other man hissed, forcing the blade against his skin with the most force he could without actually breaking the skin. “This is the third incident we’ve had and after all three we have found evidence of you being there! You really think this is the time to be making jokes!” Hijikata continued, his eyes narrowed and his breathing erratic.

“Maybe you’re right, but I’ve been thinking about it a lot and finally came to a decision. If I keep hiding from this then I’ll just end up hurting the people around me more. Isn’t it better I live life to the fullest while I can? So I’m going to keep joking and spending all my money on useless things, just like I’ve been doing up till now,” Gintoki replied, pulling his arm away from Hijikata gently.

     The two watched each other for a moment before Gintoki slipped past Hijikata, rapping him on the forehead gently with his fist. It was something he did with his kids, when they were worried about him or started overthinking things too much.

“Stop being such a worrywart, otherwise you’ll get wrinkles,” he stated, giving Hijikata one final passing grin before heading off.

“Huh, what was that? Like hell I’ll get wrinkles before you, stupid!” Hijikata yelled after him, trying to act tough despite the glint of relief in his eyes.

****

     Once Gintoki returned to the Yorozuya he simply stared in surprise for a moment, taking in the scene before him. Shrugging, he walked past the dog, who had a familiar terrorist in its mouth, and collapsed onto the couch.

“Put him down Sadaharu, you shouldn’t eat weird things. You don’t know where he’s been,” he stated, causing Sadahrau to drop Katsura who crawled over towards Gintoki with a bleeding head.

“Gintoki, today’s the day I get you to join us!” Katsura exclaimed, pushing himself to s standing position even as he sways on his feet.

“Whatever you say Zura,” Gintoki muttered, laying his head over the side of the sofa so he could watch the other male whilst laying down.

“It’s not Zura, it’s Katsura. Besides that, I heard there was another murder. This time it was a prisoner,” Katsura replied, brushing off his clothes before he turned to look pointedly at Gintoki.

“Hmm, interesting,” Gintoki muttered, rolling his eyes at Katsura’s words. It seemed that even now Katsura was insistent on trying to get him to open up.

“Gintoki…” Katsura is about to continue but he is interrupted by a rap on the door before another familiar voice calls out.

“Danna, are you in there? This is the Shinsengumi, we received a tip that Katsura was seen entering this establishment,” Sougo stated, continue to knock on the door.

     Gintoki and Katsura shared a wide eyed look before Gintoki ushered the terrorist into his bedroom, where the other male could escape from the window. Closing the doors to the room quickly he headed into the hallway and slid the front door open, being met by Sougo, Kondo and several other Shinsengumi officers. He stepped aside as the group entered, following them into the living room as they began searching the place. Gintoki rolled his eyes at them, knowing Katsura would be long gone by now. Or he should have been, yet as the Shinsengumi officers pull open the door to Gintoki’s bedroom he is still stood there by the door to the balcony.

     Gintama stares at the other man for a moment before glaring at him with furious eyes because _why the hell has the idiot not left yet!_ While the white haired samurai thinks about the best way to kill his friend without being discovered the Shinsengumi instantly begin their assault on the terrorist. As Sougo raises his bazooka Gintoki throws his hand in front of the younger boy.

“No heavy artillery, swords only, I don’t need the old hag trying to kill me because her apartment was destroyed,” he warned, eyeing the blonde as he took out his sword before lowering his hand. As he himself took out his bokken and approached Katsura, the other samurai gave him an unreadable look drawing his own blade.

     The two moved towards each other in the same moment, both knowing the others moves like they knew their own. After spending years fighting in the war together there fight is like an intricate dance, stepping and swinging their blades in a beautiful synchronised movement. With each clash of metal on wood the Shinsengumi are entranced once more, watching the pair with eyes full of awe. They had never seen movements like those the pair are using, both beautiful and fierce, both dangerous yet somehow alluring. These two are so much more than just ex samurai, more than enemies that were once allies. These are two people who had grown up fighting side by side against opponents so much bigger and stronger than them. They are two people who were lost together and found the path forward with each other. They were two who, even when they’re paths divided and they turned in different directions, still stood together where their roads met once more with swords in hand and fire in their eyes even as their comrades fell around them and their home lost hope.

“So those are the skills of samurai who thought in the war,” Kondo muttered, watching the two without interfering as his people took up positions beside him.

     With the Shinsengumi distracted Katsura made his move, thrusting his blade upwards and knocking Gintoki’s bokken out of his hand before grabbing the white haired males arm and dragging him forward. Katsura held Gintoki against him, his blade rested against Gintoki’s body to prevent Gintoki from escaping or the Shinsengumi attempting an attack.

“If any of you make a move I’ll make sure Gintoki suffers for it,” he stated calmly, his voice unwavering as he pressed the blade slightly harder to Gintoki’s skin.

“And here I was starting to think you actually had a pretty decent idea of principles,” Kondo claimed, eyeing the terrorist as he moved back out onto the balcony.

“Then clearly you were mistaken,” Katsura replied, a steely glint in his eye. Once he was at the edge of the balcony he pushed Gintoki away, Kondo moving forward to steady him while Sougo and several officers head for Katsura. By then, however, it is too late and Katsura is already gone. Gintoki turns to watch the other samurai as he jumps across the roofs with ease, rolling his eyes and clicking his wrist.

“That guy never learns. Seriously, when someone thrusts down you take a step to the side, not back,” he mutters, shaking his head.

     Before he could head back to the living room Kondo placed his arm out, blocking Gintoki’s way.

“Why was he here Gintoki?” The older man asked, staring at Gintoki intently. The white haired man shrugged, brushing Kondo’s hand away before he kept walking.

“He was trying to get me to join his cause, just like always,” he stated over his shoulder, ignoring the footsteps following him.

“Is that all?” Kondo continued, not giving up on his interrogation.

“Yes, that was all. Now are you going to get out of my house or not?” Gintoki muttered, turning to face the officers with crossed arms. Kondo and Sougo gave him one final, fleeting glance before they led the rest of the officers with them out of the building.

      Once they were gone Gintoki collapsed onto the sofa and let out a long suffering sigh. Hijikata was right, this was the third incident where there had been some sort of proof that he had been around. Plus the dreams were getting worse, the voice in his hand growing stronger in certainty each time, as if it was gaining strength and confidence. Truth be told Gintoki is terrified, but he cannot let it show. He has people depending on him now, and he can’t let them see him hesitate. He has to be strong or everything will come falling apart around him. But just for now, just for this one moment where he is alone, he lets himself crumble. Sobs rack his body as he lets the tears fall, all the pent up frustration released in his screams and shouts into the sofa. For now there is no one watching and he is free to let the mask drop. This is him at his worst, when he falls and can no longer get up again, and it is ugly and dark, so he never shows it to anyone else because if they saw it they would surely turn away from him. This is the broken face his mask hides, a monster full of fear and desperation.


	4. Wrath

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The next murder is closer to home than Gintoki would like, and a few secrets may be revealed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warning: Mentions of self-harm

Chapter 4 – Wrath

     _Wrath…I search for those who rage…I hunt down those who waste their precious life fighting against Pride…I must beware this sin, the fourth sin, for they think nothing of taking another’s life…I already have the name of my target this time, but I must be cautious…Their leader sleeps in the next room and if he sees me it will not be easy to escape…But god has given me this mission and I must complete it…_

     This time when Gintoki woke up it was sputtering and gasping, reaching for a hand around his neck that he can still feel but is no longer there. He thinks back to his dream again and it terrifies him. The feeling of thrusting a sword into someone’s stomach, the feeling of hands wrapped around his neck, and the thought that Katsura was in the next room. He could have gone after his friend just as easily as he went after the other terrorist and that freaked him. Taking a deep breath he ran his hands through his hair before hiding his face in his hands.

“Shit! How the hell did it come to this!” he hissed out, gripping his head tightly.

     With his head so full of self-loathing and hatred for his own thoughts it is not hard for him to grab a knife from the kitchen and hold it to his skin. He has never actually thought about taking his own life, he is far too much of a coward for that, but the biting cold pain of the metal digging into the flesh of his bare chest and stomach feels relieving. He does not cut enough to severely wound himself but they will scar, like so many of the other self-inflicted cuts on his body. The pain removes everything else from his brain and the blood dripping from the wound takes all his cursed thoughts with it. He will have to dress them later, he knows that, before the kids get home but for now he lets himself bleed.

     He cleans the knife first, washing it with a cloth until it shines in the light. He dresses his wounds after that, because he knows there is no point wiping the blood of the floor if his wounds are not covered. He wraps them carefully, although he is far from gentle, and tightens the bandage deftly. Finally he moves onto the floor, washing the blood off like he has every other time. No one will notice anything, they never do.

“Gin-san?” a voice calls out, causing Gintoki to flinch before he realizes it’s just Shinpachi.

“I’m in the kitchen,” he replied, and he does his best to stop his voice from shaking. He thinks he hides his emotions rather well but Shinpachi must notice something because the teenager stares at him with a frown.

“Gin-san, did something happen?” he asked quietly, Gintoki putting on his usual grin.

“Nope,” he stated, stepping past Shinpachi into the living room.

      Collapsing onto the sofa and grabbing his Jump is easy, it’s normal, and it is exactly what he needs right now. He knows Shinpachi is watching him closely but he ignores it, because if he acts stupid enough they’ll believe the charade and won’t ask any questions. He doesn’t know how long he’ll be able to hide this from his kids but they need him to be Gintoki, not Shiroyasha, so that is who he will be. His eyes roam the pages of the Jump but he doesn’t take any of it in, his mind to busy thinking over everything that had happened over the last few months. The voice in his head wasn’t his own, that much he was sure of, which meant someone was controlling him somehow. If he could figure out who it was and how they were doing it then he had a chance of putting a stop to it.

     He looked over as he heard the door once more, waving his hand as Kagura entered.

“Gin-chan, I’m hungry!” she stated, before even saying hello.

“Then go and get some food from the conveyance store,” he answered, placing the Jump down as they talked.

“I don’t have any money,” she claimed, causing Gintoki to sigh.

“Fine, come on,” he muttered as he rose from the sofa and slipped his boots on. Kagura grinned and cheered, Shinpachi chuckling and shaking his head, before the two followed Gintoki out of the house. The stroll was pleasant and Gintoki felt himself relaxing as they walked, letting the sounds of the street ease his mind. There were no idiotic questions from Zura to worry about, no sign of any Shinsengumi in sight, and for a moment Gintoki could forget the dream he had had the night before. Only for a moment though.

     As the group exited the shop they had just brought food from Gintoki had to dodge an incoming sword, before quickly taking out his bokken to defend him and the kids. He faltered as he realized he was facing off against a Joui terrorist, wondering if it was one of Katsura’s men, and in that moment of hesitation the man made another move. His sword bites into Gintoki’s shoulder and Gintoki curses but it is not deep, and it is certainly not the worst wound he has ever received. He pulls the sword out, ignoring both the blood and the pain, and glares at the other man.

“Who the hell are you? Why are you attacking poor Gin-chan when he hasn’t done anything wrong?” he questions, and though it is the usual idiotic comments that leave his mouth his tone is far from joking.

“Hasn’t done anything wrong?! You killed my brother! You stabbed a sword into his chest then left him to die! I know it was you, no one else has silver hair like yours!” the other man yelled and Gintoki freezes.

     The last victims had been lucky, he had checked, that none of them had had family. But the latest one, well he hadn’t had time to investigate and the fact the man had a brother tore him apart. That meant the fact the others up until hadn’t had family was purely coincidence, which made the chances of him attacking someone he knew all the higher. He’s starting to panic, he can tell, and he knows he needs to get a hold of himself. He can feel his heartbeat increasing, until it is almost pounding in his ears, and he’s struggling to breathe. His hands are sticky from sweat and every noise around him seems so much louder. He needs to escape. That is his only thought as his body moves subconsciously, his legs now in a position to take off away from his attacker. It feels like everyone’s eyes are on him and he hates it because surely they can see all the sins he has committed, all the blood that has stained his hands, and surely they must hate him for it.

     He can’t bear to look at the kids, to see the disappointment and the hatred in their eyes, so he keeps his attention on the armed man staring at him. He looks like he is about to attack again but he stops when he hears the tell-tale wailing of a police cars sirens. He flees from the scene and Gintoki collapses to his knees, the panic still controlling his body even as he tries to get it back under control.

“Gin-chan!”

“Gin-san!”

The kids are yelling at him, almost in unison, and they reach out their hands to help him but he bats them away.

“Don’t touch me! Don’t touch me! You’ll get dirty! I don’t want you to get dirty, it’ll just hurt you in the end. It’ll corrupt you,” he’s rambling, and he knows he’s not making any sense, but he doesn’t want the kids to be corrupted by him. He doesn’t want them to feel his sins that are surely visible to them now. If they touch him he knows that will surely see all the blood he has spilled and he doesn’t want them to end up like him.

     By now he can’t feel anything, and all the sounds seem so distant, but he doesn’t know if that’s from the panic or the shock of the attack and the blood loss. He thinks maybe the kids have moved away, and he is relieved by that because now he doesn’t have to face their anger and their fury at his crimes, and he thinks he can hear them yelling at someone. He hears a familiar name come from one of them, maybe Kagura, and he laughs harshly because he knows they must be telling him all about Gintoki’s sins. He’ll be dragged off to jail, maybe even executed, and the kids will never have to see his murderous face again. They’ll be free to live life as they please, without him shackling them down. It will be good for them, he thinks to himself with a sad little smile. Kagura can go and travel with her father, and Shinpachi can get a proper job and he won’t have to worry about finding the money to look after the dojo, and Kagura won’t have to worry about being kicked out and living on the street. God, he was such an awful role model to those kids, but now he won’t have to worry about that either. They’ll have proper role models they can look up to, like that mayonnaise loving freak, and the gorilla.

     He flinches away as a hand grasps his shoulder, wide eyes looking up at Hijikata as the other man dragged him to his feet.

“Come on,” Hijikata muttered, pulling him away from the gathering crowd with the kids and the other Shinsengumi officers following behind. Gintoki watched Kondo lead the kids to another car and they slip inside after giving him concerned looks, looks he mistakes for hatred, before he is ushered into the backseat of Hijikata’s car. Hijikata and Sougo take the front seats and Gintoki almost laughs again at that, because are they so worried about him escaping that they need two people to keep an eye on him? He doesn’t pay any attention to where they’re going, assuming they’ll be heading to jail or the Shinsengumi headquarters, so it comes as a surprise when Hijikata stops the car outside a hospital.

“What are we doing here?” he asks and Hijikata looks at him from the front seat like he’s stupid before both he and Sougo exit the car.

     Hijikata opens the back door and Sougo gently leads him out of the car. Gintoki finds it strange how careful they’re being because what does it matter if they hurt him a little more when he’s probably just going to end up being executed anyway. They lead him into the hospital and he follows them silently, putting up no resistance. He doesn’t have the strength to refuse, a mix of blood loss and panic meaning he can barely stand without his whole body shaking. Sougo sits him down in one of the seats in reception, the kids and Kondo soon joining them, while Hijikata heads over to talk to the receptionist. Once he finishes talking he also comes to stand by him and they must look like a strange group, the no good Yorozuya and his kids with the three biggest known members of the Shinsengumi.

     It isn’t long before one of the doctors makes his way over to them.

“Gintoki Sakata?” he asked but Gintoki didn’t move, not until Shinpachi pushed him up anyway, not sure if that was even his name anymore.  The doctor leads him into a private room, closing the doors and leaving the others waiting outside, before turning to Gintoki. “I’m going to need you to remove your yukata and shirt,” the doctor informed and Gintoki did as he was told.

“The wound really isn’t that bad,” he mutters but he lets the doctor examine it anyway.

“It’s bad enough to need stitches,” the doctor replied, taking out the equipment he would need after sitting Gintoki down on the cot. He worked efficiently, quickly numbing the area, and it didn’t take long for him to finish the stitches.

     Gintoki went to stand once the doctor was finished but the other man pushed him back down and Gintoki looked up at him in confusion.

“What is it?” he asked, his eyes narrowing as he swears he sees the doctor’s eyes glow.

“Sorry but we invested far too much money, and wasted far too much time, into making you the perfect weapon. We can’t have you backing out now just because one lose end said the wrong thing,” the doctor stated and his laugh sends shivers through Gintoki. Gintoki goes for his bokken but he is still weak and the doctor easily pushes him down into a laying position, straddling him and placing a hand over his face. “Now forget,” he hissed and Gintoki opened his mouth to scream as an unimaginable pain passed through him but a hand was clasped over his mouth.

“You bastard,” Gintoki stuttered out once the pain passed and the hand was finally removed from his mouth. He goes to say more but his eyes slip closed as he falls into unconsciousness, his memory of the words the man and the doctor had spoken fading into darkness.

     Gintoki is only unconscious for a few moments but it feels like hours, and when he wakes up the pain from the wound has almost completely depleted. He took a quick look at it before redressing and giving the doctor a smile.

“Thanks doc,” he stated as he shouldered his yukata on.

“You’re very welcome Gintoki-san,” the doctor replied, opening the door and allowing Gintoki to leave. Gintoki strolled back to the reception, occasionally rolling his shoulder to see if he could move it comfortably. Once he reached them they all gave him matching looks of concern but he simply waved them off.

“Is everything okay Gin-san?” Shinpachi asked cautiously and Gintoki grinned.

“Yep, why wouldn’t it be? I’ve had worse walking Sadaharu,” he replied before heading for the doors. The others shared a look before they got up and followed him out of the hospital. The Shinsengumi said their goodbyes, wishing them a good day, before heading off to continue their work while Gintoki and the kids headed back to the Yorozuya.

**Author's Note:**

> After reading your comments I have decided to continue with this story instead of rewriting. Thanks for the support! :)


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